


what you want

by rosssaliie



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24670897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosssaliie/pseuds/rosssaliie
Summary: edmund is leaving for home soon, but caspian doesn't want to let him go...
Relationships: Caspian/Edmund Pevensie
Kudos: 100





	what you want

Caspian stood on the starboard side of the Dawn Treader, lost in thought and leaning against the side of the ship. The smell of salt wafted up from the water below and the night was quiet, something the crew hadn’t experienced for the last few days. Caspian wanted to savor it while it lasted, admiring the constellations mapped out above him. Most of his hair was pulled back with a piece of string, but with no wind, it was unnecessary. He couldn’t help but feel as if he was losing something. He was breathing heavily, but still felt tense. 

“Didn’t expect to find you up here,” a voice chimed from behind him. Edmund appeared next to the King, leaning against the rail of the ship. “Shouldn’t you be asleep, your Highness?” he jibed in a light tone.

“Shouldn’t you?” Caspian shot back. His voice was colder than he had intended. He shook his head, and his body relaxed. “Sorry.” He bit down on his lip. His thin cotton shirt and pants were suddenly no longer warm enough for the deck. 

Edmund shrugged and kept his eyes on Caspian’s face. “What are you doing out here so late? We won’t reach the island for another day or two, no use scouting for land.” He cupped his hands around his freckled face, blowing on them to warm himself, even just slightly. “Something on your mind?” 

A shiver went down Caspian’s spine.

“No,” he lied as best he could. “Just worried about what we’ll find, is all.” He cast his eyes downward, intentionally avoiding his friend’s gaze. “Look, you should get back under. It’s late and you’re obviously cold. You wouldn’t want to fall ill in the middle of our journey.” Caspian quickly turned to walk to the bow of the ship. 

Edmund caught his arm. 

“What’s that for?” He yanked himself from Edmund’s grasp, turning towards him, their eyes finally meeting.

And that’s when Ed saw the redness in Caspian’s eyes, the small tear stains on the collar of his shirt. “Cas… what’s the matter? You know you can tell me.” His voice was soft, slightly overpowered by the sloshing of the water against the ship. His greenish-brown eyes searched his friend’s face for any idea of what was wrong. 

The King drew in a long breath, holding it for a few seconds while he spoke. “Fine.” He cleared his throat, finally exhaling. “If we find Aslan, and he says he can send you… and Lucy and Eustace home. Would you go?” The wind picked up strands of his hair, moving what wasn’t tied back in almost a dancing fashion. His eyes prickled from the cold air in his face. 

It was Edmund’s turn to look away. He scoffed and scratched the back of his neck. “Probably.” He frowned when he met Caspian’s eyes again. “I can’t exactly stay here, can I? You’re the King, not me.” 

“As if that’s mattered before. If Peter hadn’t suggested it last time, would you have left then? Your sister didn’t want to… and neither did you.” Caspian continued towards the front of the ship, his boots thinking against the wood. “You could stay if you wanted! You know the people wouldn’t object. And neither would I!” he shouted over the ever-growing wind. He stopped at the top of the steps and turned back. “Why must you go? Why so fast? You’ve only been here a few days. I-” He caught his words. 

Edmund stood at the base of the small staircase, below Caspian. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. “There’s nothing here for me. Is there?” His throat tightened. “I gave up on being King when we left last time! It’s your job now, you don’t _need me_!” 

“ _Since when_?!” 

Both men were red in the face. The water had picked up, and the boats rocking was now much more noticeable. 

Caspian gripped the banister next to him for support. “Don’t you know how much I missed you when you left? I couldn’t stop thinking about you, for months.” His words were much quieter now, but Edmund could still hear him clear as day. “You expect me to just sit back and say _nothing,_ while you leave? _Again_?” The man shook his head. “No, sorry. Not going to happen.” 

Edmund went up the steps two at a time, landing on the perch just below Caspian. He was already shorter than his counterpart, and the extra separation didn’t help. “What does it matter to you?” He steeled his expression. “Why do you care so much?” The wind made his hair look even more unkempt than it had been before. 

There was silence between them for almost too long. The sound of the water beneath the ship and the flapping of the sails illuminated the tension in the air. They could only see each other by the moonlight. Edmund could almost swear that he saw stars reflected in Caspian's dark brown eyes. And in the dark of the night, Caspian almost thought that Ed’s freckles looked like a galaxy. 

“I would’ve expected you to know,” the King finally murmured. He scanned the figure that was silhouetted in front of him. “Would you like me to tell you, High King Edmund?” His voice was gentle, and all at once it seemed to calm the ocean and stop the wind. Slowly, as if he thought skin would shatter if he moved too fast, he wove his fingers through Ed’s. His skin was like ice, but that didn’t stop Caspian from placing both their hands on his own chest, over his heart. They held a long gaze, just feeling the steady heartbeat from within. “I told you sister I hadn’t found a queen. And you know why.” The words came out strangled, as if it almost killed him to say it. 

Edmund gripped his friend’s hand tighter and pulled himself up to stand on equal ground. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but no words came out. His head shook slightly. Without thought, his free hand rested on Caspian’s cheek, an absentminded finger scratching the scruff on his face. He drew in a sharp breath and angled his face upwards. 

The King tilted his head down, resting his forehead against Edmund’s. His lips were parted, almost expectant, but words came out before he could stop himself. “You can’t do this.” His brow furrowed. “I mean… I mean, _we_ can’t do this. Can we?” 

The young king opened his eyes and lifted them to Caspian’s. “At this point? You can’t really stop me.” 

With that, they caught themselves in an all too chaste kiss, both of them with one hand pressed between their bodies. Caspian lost his balance, taking a step backwards and hitting the railing. He wrapped his other arm around Edmund’s waist, pulling him as close as he could. They turned, putting Ed’s spine against the banister and Caspian leaning into him so heavily, they could’ve gone overboard with a small push. Cas moved his hands to either side of Edmund’s body, while his paramour put both hands on his face. They were wrapped into each other, legs crossing and breaths exchanged. Edmund slipped his arms around Caspian’s neck, trying to stand higher on his toes and meet him higher. He could feel how chapped his own lips were against those he had been so desperately wanting to kiss. 

Eventually, Caspian was the one to pull away. He had a look on his face, almost sad, that he didn’t even know would be there. He licked his lips, almost savoring what had just happened, as he knew it would be the first and last time. “I don’t suppose this changes anything.” There was no hope in his words. His shoulders moved heavily, as did his breathing. 

Edmund had his eyes closed, hands now covering Cas’s on either side of himself. “I can’t let my sister and Eustace go home alone,” he whispered. “What would they tell my family? That I’m dead?” He shook his head. “I don’t want that for them.” 

“Then what do you want?” 

At those words, Ed opened his eyes. He bit his bottom lip, where it had already begun to swell. “What I want doesn’t matter.” He wrapped his hands around Caspian’s, moving them away. He gave them a squeeze, before dropping them and jumping back down the stairs. At the bottom, he looked back over his shoulder. “I lied when I said there’s nothing here for me. Everything I need is here.” He paused, blinking back a tear. “Don’t forget that.” He pushed off the banister. 

“How am I supposed to live without you?” Caspian called after him. “Or rule, or fight, or _breathe_ . Because without you?” He laughed humorlessly. “There doesn’t really seem to be much of a point.” With a heavy sigh, he sat on the top stair. He heard the thumping of Edmund’s boots coming back his way, but his eyes were on the ground. “If I could do it all with you, I would. And no one else.” He lifted his head, and saw his _person_ as still as a statue, silent tears on his face. 

“I couldn’t agree more.” He let out a short cry, before doubling over with his hands on his knees. His body trembled, and his knees began to buckle. 

Caspian lept towards him, pulling him into an embrace. He held him tightly, each burying their faces in the other's neck. Cas could feel Edmund’s tears soak through his shirt and hit his skin. He squished his own eyes shut, not wanting to give the same feeling to someone he loved. They held each other for who knows how long, because when Caspian opened his eyes, the sun had just started to peak over the horizon. “You should go back to your bunk. Before Lucy wakes up and worries.” His words were still muffled by Edmund’s body. 

Edmund nodded, gingerly releasing Caspian and leaving him for the cabin, without a second look. He wiped his eyes dry, and took a soothing breath, as he opened the door and headed downstairs. 

Caspian stared blankly after him, blinking out the last of his tears. He cleared his throat and looked up at the sky, hands on his hips. His eyes narrowed and he clenched his jaw. A scream felt like it was building in his throat. Or maybe it was a sob. Or maybe, just maybe, it was all the emotions he’d held onto for the last three years. No matter what it was, he released it all in a guttural groan towards the heavens, along with a kick to the main mast. He let out a heavy sigh, and scanned the deck for anyone who might’ve seen. Thankfully, it was still too early for the crew members to be awake. But even so, he wasn’t sure he would have cared. All that he cared about was leaving soon, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 


End file.
